Two roads diverge before me and I stand at the crossroads, not knowing what to choose. Two paths call my name and invite me to take a step. They lead to separate places, hence the further I go, the harder it will be to turn another way.

But the two roads, they diverge, and I still do not know what to choose. I've spent a year trying, yet have not come any closer to a decision.

It is the biggest dilemma of my life, and I am torn about having to decide. Two roads diverge. I could not choose. How could I, when to embark on one, means to sacrifice the other?

It started with LinkedIn.

In one of my aimless, desperate conquests that involve going into random job application sites and filling out forms—just to chicken out at the last Send button—the blank form had asked for my LinkedIn profile.

My profile was made a little over a year ago, when my brother was sitting at the computer, and suggested that I make one myself. "It's good for networking," he says, "It'll help you get jobs, like a handy online résumé." Intrigued by any possible thing that can make me look more professional, I finally made a LinkedIn page.

I landed in Melbourne at 7:30 in the morning, on a Tuesday. The flight was filled by groups large and small—families arriving home, backpackers with fresh leg tattoos, and young students hauling bags of musical instruments.

We all made our way out of the plane and into the airport. As I was walking in, one of the young boys trailing behind me was especially thrilled. "Home sweet home!" he excitedly declared, to his siblings who were walking beside him.

A small part of me envied him, with the skip in his step and his gleeful demeanour. I envied the boy, for reasons I wouldn't dare admit—I envied how he had one home to come back to, instead of two, simultaneously.

"Oh, you've grown so much!" the stranger in front of me exclaims. A middle-aged woman, mesmerised by the fact that I, an adolescent human being, had in fact grown in size. Shocker.

"You were just a baby when I last saw you!"

I'd never seen her before in my life.

"Your father and I go way back," she continues.

"You look so much like him."

12 - Dear Jo,
You think you know everything. But you don't. You'll hate hearing this, because you love planning out the next ten years of your life. You get lost in your own daydreams, and the future is literally all you ever talk and think about. Your visions are wide and exciting and often seem unrealistic. But despite all this, I love how much of a dreamer you are. I love how you don't apologise for your goals. I love that your big dreams are part of what brought me here. So thank you.

"What is meant for you will reach you, even if it's placed beneath two mountains. 

What isn't meant for you will not reach you, even if it's placed between your two lips." 

"I really liked what he said, because I too came from a broken home-"

"He's had a tough life, a broken home child-"

"They're also from a broken home, but wow, they're really strong-"

Disclaimer: This post is going to be very, very long. Stop now while you still can.

Oh, you're not stopping? What a curious soul, you. Suit yourself.

I wanted to write because I needed a space, or a time, to vent about what I've been feeling lately. It's taking me a lot of the courage that I don't have to be writing about something so personal like this, but I just needed to be honest for a minute, and talk about what's been circling my mind over the past several weeks.

Let's be honest; passion is hard. Figuring out what you really want to do with your life is hard. Let me rephrase that: Figuring out what you really want to do with your life when you're a high school student with at least 20 different hobbies or interests and a lot of ambition but sometimes a severe lack of confidence, is hard.

The truth is that I've spent my whole life thinking I really really knew what I wanted to be and what I wanted to achieve. But then, at some point in the railroads that is high school, my train stopped. It stopped and simply... changed tracks. I thought I was ready to put my heart and soul into one dream. I thought I had a path lined up in front of me, perfectly in place, and it was just a matter of getting the train to move forward. So full of assurance, so confident in the direction in which I'm heading towards. But one day I just woke up, and realised how much I've been lying to myself.

I'll just give you the details here: Ever since I was little, I was exposed to a world where you could always feel free to express yourself in many forms. (Short explanation: It's because I was raised by a father who was both an artist and a musician.) That's when I started to develop a deep, deep love for art, and music, and all things alike. I've always loved to draw, ever since like, first grade. However, when I reached 4th grade, I started liking clothes. I was a 9-year-old girl, so of course I did. I drew clothes all the time, and soon enough I concluded that I wanted to be a fashion designer. That was it. My goal, my locked destination, my obvious dream.

I took sewing classes, illustration classes, everything. But what I never told people was how much I actually did not enjoy these classes. How much vanity I saw in the fashion world, how the industry just kind of scared me more than it encouraged me to pursue it.

Now, a year before graduating high school, I realised that I'd be a fool if I continued to pursue something I didn't actually like. I've always known, deep down, that fashion was not for me. I don't dress in high-end clothing, and I don't indulge in luxurious items. I don't find joy in looking at or purchasing branded fashion items, I actually find them useless! They're pretty, sure. But what's the big deal?

My life is surrounded by so many wonderful things that I'm still in love with. Music, art, travel, photography, and many other things that made me feel happy to be alive. If I were to pursue fashion, it would be like putting all of these things aside and focusing on an ambiguous dream that I didn't find the reason of.

The truth is I'd rather sit and watch a Broadway show rather than sit and watch 20 models walk up and down a runway in glittery outfits. I'd rather go to a wedding to take pictures of the small moments of happiness between the bride and groom through a camera lens, than go to a wedding because I made the dress she's wearing. I'd rather spend hours, and hours, and hours creating a wall mural that could inspire people, instead of spending hours and hours working on, say, a couture gown. This is what my heart tells me. That I thought I knew where I was going but I never truly did. That it's starting to look obvious, what I love and what I don't.

Some people validate this. A slight change of plans. Mistakes, trials and errors. As a perfectionist, I didn't. A part of me wants to punish myself for simply changing my mind. I had it all planned out, and then one day, I just didn't like it. I hated myself, like a voice whispering that I was already a failure, or that I was obviously going to fail.

What if my portfolio doesn't make it? What if I fail to find a job when I grow up? What if I end up as a disappointment to everyone? What if, what if, what if? It has become harder for me to actually believe in myself. I feel like a person with no direct path, no talent worth seeking, no voice worth of being heard. I'm exaggerating, I know. But guys, this is how a perfectionist overthinks. And I've had enough.

I may be a perfectionist, and I could have high hopes and standards for myself, but I need to remember that I'm human nonetheless. Right now, I'm pursuing a communication design major, which basically covers everything and nothing all at once. I don't know what my future job is going to be... yet. I could be a web designer, graphic designer, blogger, photographer, or I could even find my way to be an artist, or I could just be someone who works in public relations.

The pressure from my relatives certainly doesn't help. "What's a degree in design going to give you? What jobs are there for majors like yours? How are you going to make money?" And good Lord, honestly, I wish I had a passion for medicine, or biochemistry, or engineering. Really, I do. My friends are off to become doctors and nutritionists and here I am who simply can't share the same passion for those things. I just can't force myself to love something I obviously don't.

Speaking like this, honestly, scars my ego. It does. It takes away a portion of my pride because I thought that people could count on me for being so sure of myself and for knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. Some of my friends told me they looked up to me because I "already knew where I was going". But the truth is, I don't always know. And it worries me sometimes, but other times, it pushes me forward. I know where I'm heading for the time being, and I can only hope for the best. I'll continue to pursue things that make me happy, and I have to believe that my heart will continue to lead me into paths I didn't know existed.

Because now I understand that it's not humanly possible for me to control my life the way I want it 100%. I'm always going to know more in the future than I do now. Some things I can pursue ambitiously, but some things I can only mention in prayers.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27  

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

  

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." Psalm 56:3

I'm limited and I'm human. My plans have changed and my life has managed to alter itself one way or another, and I need to learn to be okay with it. One of the things I could do now is pray. Pray to a God Who has promised to never leave me, nor forsake me. A God Who promises to sustain me no matter what happens. A God Who told me to not be afraid.

Therefore I no longer am.

I put this photo up because I might look slightly different than how you remembered me, given the fact that I haven't written in this blog in ages. But hey, change is okay, right?

I figured that I don't write that much on my blog about my own personal thoughts for something that's called "Thoughts in Tiffany Blue". I think it's because I know now that a lot of things can go wrong when you're being completely honest, and having this very open place to vent to is something I'm not entirely familiar with. But then I realised that my blog is made for many things, and it being a safe space for me to open up about my thoughts is one of those things.

So the thing is, I think I talk too much. I say too much. I think too much. There are a lot of "too much"s when it comes to my life, but in particular, lately, I think I talk too much.

They say that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. I don't know why, but lately, all I've been doing is the exact opposite. Okay, I don't talk trash, or diss other people behind their backs, but I've felt that my behaviour and speech make other people feel inconvenient with my presence.

I'm not saying I've turned into a bad person. I'm not saying my friends hate me. I'm saying there's a difference between someone who cares about you, and someone who simply tolerates you.

Previously in my life, I've never been the type of person to talk so much. I talk a lot to people I'm close with, or I talk to my relatives pretty well, but other than that, I never speak my mind. I never could get around to actually being completely honest in front of everyone. As I entered high school, I slowly started to gain the courage to do so. I became very honest with everyone and with myself. I opened up a little bit more, and let loose a lot more than before (and I think this my friends can see too.)

Little did I know that the thing about honesty that people don't always tell you is the effect of the brutality that comes with truthfulness. I speak up when it's actually not a very nice thing to say. I talk a lot even when it's not that important. I offend people without even knowing it. I say and don't think.

I try to conceal whatever guilt or shame I have about this drastic change in myself with laughter and sarcastic remarks, but hiding it can only do so much. It's painful to think that maybe your friends don't like you so much because of this, but it's a lot more painful once you realize how you think of yourself as a horrible friend, which you kind of believe you are.

Scan through my social media and you'll see quotes on living a good life, positivity, and happiness, but how come none of it actually applies to my actual life outside the digital cloud? What does that make me? A hypocrite. That's what it makes me.

I don't find this inspiring, but I also don't find 80% of the stuff I say inspiring at all.

I've come to a conclusion that I must take action upon it. I have made a decision to directly cut back on what I say. To hold my tongue before it proceeds to get to anything I'm going to regret. I can carry a notepad, I can carry a pen, a whiteboard, anything to stop me from being like this.

A lot of you might think that this is because I don't like how I am. No, I love myself. I respect myself. It's just that when you love yourself, there are also parts of yourself that you couldn't love, no matter how hard you try.

I wish I could enjoy being brutally honest. I wish I could enjoy not caring about what other people think. But that's not who I am. I don't want to offend or hurt people anymore. I don't want to be the egotistical girl on the lunch table anymore. I don't want to see my friends force a smile when I talk because it's clear that they don't think I'm all that.

That's probably why I have no one I call a shelter. That's probably why no one offers a hand. It's because talking too much kind of creates the illusion that you're doing perfectly fine on your own.

So I can speak my mind when I want to. But I think, that's enough talking for a while.

1. She has a big sister and a little sister, so she's the middle child in her family.
2. She's always had short hair ever since I was born and has never been interested in growing it back.
3. She owns an arts & crafts store (I wrote a bit about it on this post).
4. She sometimes wears reading glasses now.
5. She was very naughty when she was younger.
6. In reference to number 5, she liked riding her friends'  motorcycles without her parents' permission.
7. Also regarding number 5, she once waited for a cuckoo clock to start cuckooing and when it didn't, she opened it up forcefully and pulled the wooden bird out herself. She was only a child when she did this.
8. She has a pretty nice taste in fashion. She dresses stylishly, yet modestly.
9. She's the ultimate Audrey Hepburn fangirl.
10. She loves big pieces of jewellery. She always looks for the boldest necklaces, or the most extravagant earrings. Although, she always wears them with simple clothing.
11. She has an excessive amount of shoes and handbags. (Notice how I said "amount" instead of "number", because you know what that means? Uncountable.)
12. She's had 3 kids (and I'm the youngest).
13. She was always a popular girl in school. She had fair skin, she was always a lot taller than her friends, and she was (and is) pretty. A lot of boys liked her, and a lot of girls either wanted to be her best friend, or they just wanted to be her. This information came from her high school friend.
14. She's still pretty tall now.
15. She's worked in several companies and held several jobs. She's a true hard worker. She's earned everything that she has right now.
16. Her favorite type of car is the Range Rover. 
17. She still dreams of having one.
18. Her shoe size exceeds every other girl in our family.
19. This year, she's officially become a grandma.
20. About last year, my mother had to endure some pain because there was a problem with her backbone. It seemed that her spine kind of shifted to a wrong direction due to too much pressure put on it (like spending all day sitting in her office), and it kind of pressed down on one of the nerve systems located near her spine. She ended up having to take Pilates intensively , and she also had to go swimming quite frequently. Now, things are okay. But she still can't stand still for too long, or pick up (or carry) objects or luggage that are too heavy, or wear heels that are too high.
21. She loves Europe, especially Paris. She travels there once a year every year for a family business meeting.
22. Leopard prints make her cringe.
23. She enjoys wearing shorts and sneakers.
24. She once wore an impermanent tattoo (of a feather) on the back of her neck.
25. And one of a butterfly on the back of her shoulder (which led to skin allergies and just a horrible rash).
26. She has the smoothest skin, like ever. She takes such good care of her body, but her skin is still quite sensitive.
27. She's written a book and it's now on its way to being published (yay!)
28. She has an unhealthy obsession for vintage objects, decorations, furnishes, and antiques.
29. Ribbon embroidery is just, her thing. Really.
30. She adores batik (it's a type of pattern that originated from my country, it's usually found on fabric and pieces of clothing)
31. She could be quite a big spender! (Hence, number 11.)
32. She loves binge watching. I'm talking Criminal Minds, Ghost Whisperer, Revenge, The Mentalist, Chicago Fire, Dexter, and more. This happens because right now, the only work she's ever doing is with her store. She could come in whenever she pleases. I know. I'm jealous too.
33. She drinks coffee and eats bread every morning.
34. She loves her kids more than anything.
35. Her favourite flower is the white rose.
36. She does not play any musical instrument.
37. She loves mystery. Mystery games on her iPad, mystery novels, just about everything. She's got a whole shelf filled with Sidney Sheldon, Mary Higgins Clark, and more.
38. She's a total fan of Pinterest apparently!
39. The sight of red velvet makes her cringe (what??) and yep, it's because she does not enjoy seeing food that doesn't have an original or real colour. The different colour just makes her not want to eat it. This also goes for the rainbow cake but, come on, who likes that anyway?
40. She lost both of her front teeth (I'm talking about the real, grown-up, permanent ones) when she was younger. The ones sitting in her mouth now are synthetic.
41. She likes to buy us things we don't ask for.
42. She gives amazing life advice. She writes, so she has a very deep understanding of life. She's one hell of a strong Christian woman.
43. She makes awesome tater tots.
44. She's literally the best mom I could ever ask for. If I were born again and got to choose which mom I had, I'd still pick her over anyone.

1. In the student body council, I work in the division where we run the school's social media accounts and basically become the school's PR. One of our ideas was to set up a news centre by the entrance because there wasn't any at that time. We finally got the school to put up a soft board and so there, we put up articles that we typed in and prepared for the students to see. This month, it was themed (obviously) Valentine's Day. At the right side of the board, we set up this section where the students can literally pull out a post-it note, and write down about what they think love is. It became a big deal to them and after about a week, the section of the board was 100% filled with post-it notes and we eventually ran out of post-its! We had some great responses. Some students wrote down their names, some wrote down quotes, some wrote down jokes. Basically, it was cool to finally see the students interact with us and tell us what they think through what my friend and I had made!
2. One of the best parts of this year's Valentine's Day was definitely spending time in one of my best friends' houses and joining in a wonderful sleepover with my best friends. Fun fact: There's 13 of us. Even though only 8 of us got to sleep over because the other 5 weren't allowed, we still had so much fun. We played charades, truth or dare, ordered pizza and hot wings (which came to the house nearly 2 hours after we made the call), watched a late night movie, and had such a blast. The picture above is actually this type of Chinese buns called Mantou. Basically, they're super soft and yummy and had chocolate fillings and wow, just try it when you can, guys
3. Also one of the highlights of my Valentine's Day was definitely when some of my friends from church decided to hold an event where we visit a local orphanage and spread love to little kids. So this time, one of our mentors wanted me to be in charge of the whole event, so I took care of a lot of the things that went down and it was basically a lot of fun seeing these kids smile and laugh. It wasn't an orphanage, but it was actually a small place that my teacher built at her home made for the local kids who weren't getting enough education. They came to this place to read, to learn, and to have fun. It was packed with so many kids running around, and it also had tons of books on the shelves and pictures on the walls. We donated stuff like colouring materials and story books, but we also came in and played games, made some crafts, and did a cooking class with these children. We taught them how to colour, how to write, how to be creative, and it was basically such an amazing experience. I always love the idea of giving and helping those in need, so making these kids happy certainly made me happy as well.
4. When I got to school on Monday, one of my classmates named Grace gave me this! It was literally the sweetest thing. So it turns out that Grace made these heart-shaped cookies with customized icing for every girl in our class as well as some of her closest buddies. The icing was simple yet so pretty and the cookie was delicious. Her mom actually runs a patisserie, or something similar, and so Grace likes to bake in her spare time. She made and decorated each cookie by herself with no help from her mom, so I totally appreciated this and it was so nice of her. Last year, we also shared the same class and she made us chocolate shaped like the Eiffel Tower, and she put our names on it as well. I received a bunch of chocolate from many different people in school which was quite lovely, and for 3 of my closest best friends, I got each of them a chocolate bar and a Bath & Body Works product, wrapped together with a red bow and attached a love letter written for each of them as well.
5. On Valentine's Day, I kind of still wanted to not ruin my diet (although I kind of did for a while there) so I had this salad for dinner at a local restaurant just about 5 minutes from home. I only ordered this with a glass of water because I really didn't want to start gaining back the weight I successfully lost (*cough*, 5 pounds) and it is probably the best Caesar's Salad that we have around here. I had dinner with one of my girlfriends and we talked and shared about so many things. I found myself actually venting to her about so many things that I never thought I would share with anyone. It was definitely a great evening and we only spent about an hour or more, but we joked and had fun and basically, I felt like being single was definitely okay for me.