Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Life Lately | Why I Haven't Been Writing


You can find many bloggers who come back from a weeks-long hiatus, and start off with a post explaining why they've been gone for so long. The reasons vary, but they usually fall along the lines of "feeling uninspired", "swept up in work", or "we just moved into our new apartment and everything has been so crazy!"

I, on the other hand, have no excuse.

August has been amazing. Recently, I'd just spent a week traveling out of town, in which there were many exciting and enriching experiences. Our country just celebrated our 72nd Independence Day, and I spent the whole day in the fun of celebrating. In a month, I've been catching up with distant cousins, high school friends, and also meeting new people. Many, many things happened in the past few weeks. It's been one of the best months I've had.

So honestly, I have tons of blogging material!

Yet I haven't brought myself to write a single word.

I tried writing poetry; it usually only works when I'm feeling something very deeply. Nothing came out. I tried piecing together words to create a poem, an ode to my country. Re-reading it was like tasting bread that'd gone bad. 

I should write about my travels! But as I landed in my hometown and took a few days of much-needed rest, I came out feeling immensely empty. It was like standing with a fully-functioning microphone in your hands, speakers on standby ready to blast your voice into the air, yet no words escape your lips.

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Writing is my therapy, and blogging is something that my soul simply aligns with. I love it with a passion, and have truly missed it after all this time; especially with all these unwritten stories circling my head. 

But more often than not, I find it a little... daunting.

In a previous post, I'd mentioned it as a "strange paradox"; identifying as an introvert but still sharing all my thoughts and honest feelings on the Internet. The thing about introverts? Whatever comes out of us, it's probably only our 20%. The other 80%, we keep stashed away in different pockets of our personality, shielded safely from the rest of the world.

Many have read my blog. Hundreds know where to find it, and an undescribable amount of people have access to it (hence, the Internet.) The last thing I want to do is to turn it into something I've never wanted it to become; a chamber of lies.

When I've written about hopes and dreams, yet still become terrified of the future, or when I've written about "confidence", yet I struggle day by day with trying to even like myself, I feel like failing already. It's no secret that I always care a bit too much about what others think of me, but building a facade around my insecurities is not how I want to be known. 

Another thing I also never want, is for my blog to make me vain. I am not the most important being in this world, and as much as I enjoy writing about self-discovery, I've found that there are other things yet to be discovered as well. Other experiences to invest in, other people to learn from, other things to bring you joy. I think taking a few weeks off of blogging have opened my eyes to at least that.

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As much as I want to keep writing in the hopes of inspiring people and sharing what I have, vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.

However, now, it's so strange to think that anyone can just click on a link and have access to all my deepest thoughts. Do I overshare on this website? Have I spoken too much? Should I stop writing about real emotions at all, and just focus on the more weightless stuff, like beauty and fashion and travel and books? 

In real life, I can do several things, but opening up to people is nearly an impossible task. Does that mean they can just find my blog and read all they want and the next day, they'll have me all figured out?

I remind myself repeatedly, it's just your 20%

But the timid little introvert living inside of me keeps reminding me as well;

that's still way too much.

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Perhaps this is me saying that I'm "back". Whatever that means. Or maybe it's me saying "I'll write when I'm ready". I still don't know; I guess time will tell.

In making this post, I've realized that after all this time, maybe it's not that I have nothing to say; it's that I have too much to say, that I end up not saying anything at all. The thought of putting myself out there again has become too frightening, that it's made me slowly inch back into my shell.

Maybe I'll "wait" for that inspiration and new courage to come, or maybe I'll just have to force it out of myself, even if it means writing like a toddler on training wheels, with repetitive words and tacky metaphors. But I have to start somewhere, and I know I'll start someday.

On the bright side, my life has not decreased. I know this post might have sounded a little melancholic, but I am the happiest I've been in a while. I'm very pleased with how this month is turning out so far. I am pushing forward in a better direction, even without talking about it all on my blog. In other words, I guess I've been too busy living.

And for that, I'm not even sorry.

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Thus marks the end of my rambling today. I can only hope that this 
makes sense to whoever reads it. Thank you for sticking by.
I'll see you around.




3 comments :

  1. I find your words and thought so relatable! Honestly, I feel like you don't feel like blogging then simply don't however when you want to, write to your hearts content therefore blogging will feel like something you enjoy not a chore!! I always love reading all your posts~~
    https://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/

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  2. I have no excuse either, and I've procrastinated for an entire year since my last post. Hopefully reading what you've written here will help inspire me. I can identify with much of what you've written and admire that you've been busy living in the real world, having aspirations for writing going forward.

    http://www.full-brief-panties.blogspot.com/

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