Tuesday, May 30, 2017

How to Look Perfect

Source: Pinterest
Disclaimer #1: I would not suggest you read this if you struggle with a lot of serious anxiety on body image/appearance/confidence in any form, or a certain case of body dysmorphia, or if you are in the middle of any type of unrecovered eating disorder. If you feel you can enjoy this post in a proper light, then feel free and read on, but if you find that this could be triggering or might hurt your feelings or mess up with your internal recovery, then you don't have to proceed. And that is okay. :) Thanks for stopping by.

Everybody wants to look perfect. Amidst the thousands of campaigns and advertisements offered to us daily everywhere we turn, it's nearly impossible not to get swallowed up by this society that now has such a specific standard of good appearance. Some would say that "Perfection is unattainable!" Well hold that thought, ladies, because if you follow these efficient tips, it doesn't have to be! Perfection can be made possible, by following these easy, simple steps:
  • Cut out carbs!!! When you consume carbohydrates and doesn't do 500 jumping jacks afterwards, the body stores them as fat!! *gasp*!!! So if you want to look ~*perfect*~, which means no visible fat, let go of those carbs and keep them away from your diet! Sure you'll have to give up on precious delicacies like bread and fruit and pasta, and your body will have absolutely no fuel to properly function, BUT AT LEAST YOU'LL LOOK GREAT. :)
  • Wear an outfit that men find appealing. Because their opinion is aaaaaaallllll that matters. But you MUST cover your shoulders when you're entering a campus or workplace area, because those body parts are too sacred! Avoid showing them at all costs to avoid being fired or expelled.
  • Eat "good" snacks. Some people tell you "it's okay to treat yourself" but hey, that might result in you looking im-perfect! So obviously you should avoid any kind of sugar and dairy and (still) carbs at all costs. But what can you snack on then? That's easy. Bite into a perfectly crunchy broccoli! :) Chew on a piece of refreshing, satisfying kale! :) Sure, they might not taste "delicious", but at least you're being ~*healthy*~, therefore you'll look perfect by the end of the week.
  • Wear Spanx! Or waist trainers! The smaller, the better! Find Spanx that can completely trick people into taking you're a dress size smaller, or a waist trainer that hugs your waist so tight you'll have trouble breathing! :) Some will say these are painful and unethical but ~*beauty is pain*~! Things like these are super helpful and slimming to help you achieve that ~perfect~ look.
  • Sew your stretch marks shut. Many women find these markings on their stomachs, thighs, or anywhere else on their bodies. These marks leave strange textures and only cause weird openings to break out on your skin. They may even look like small lightning bolt shapes. UGLY. So make things simple and sew them shut and your skin will probably seamlessly heal. :-)
  • Show no acne. But what happens if they surface? Well paint over them! Use tons of concealer but if that doesn't work, look into some serious cosmetic surgery to save up a lot of your time daily. It might turn your face into plastic but at least plastic doesn't have sweat glands or pores! You know what that means? Zero acne! Spotless clear skin in a second!!
  • Have water for dinner. Because drinking 5 litres of water a day can tooootaally change your life. Good metabolism! Weight loss! Yes and yes! All possible with just a small step of skipping dinner every night, because dinners are evil little meals that make you gain weight. Your stomach might suffer and growl in reaction to your extreme hunger, but hey, just drink tons of water and you'll "trick yourself into thinking you're full!" That's a win-win for everybody.
  • Wear false teeth. Some might have told you to wear braces when you were younger but what if you never had them in your life but your teeth still bend and crook one way or another? False teeth is the perfect answer! Because a smile only works best with perfectly white, symmetrical, straightened, glowing clean teeth.
  • Stand with your legs apart. Or bend your hipbones in a way just so that your thighs don't touch. Because a thigh gap is everything, right?
And that's all I can say about it! I hope this helped you gain more insight, and trust me, these tricks are guaranteed to make you feel ~*so*~ confident in yourself because you have perfectly fit yourself into the category of what society deems as perfect and good-looking! Way to go, you.

Until next time.

Disclaimer #2:  This post was written with pure humorous intentions and I'm only speaking sarcastically. I have no intention in hurting anyone's feelings, I just wrote this as some sort of slam to those "health articles" or "beauty tips" that never really seem to align with our reality. Seen above is just me completely exaggerating on the points that "experts" like to make regarding a woman's appearance, and what society deems as "perfect looks". And in case it weren't obvious through this post, I think society's standards of how women should look like are severely screwed up. Perfection does have a name, and it's called Photoshop. Diet culture and articles that support it just enrage me, so this post is simply a result of that. Let's all stop being so hard on ourselves in trying to pursue the "supermodel look" the world worships, and appreciate ourselves (inside and out) as we are on our own. Thanks for reading through this far. :)


PS: If you fancy sarcastic posts like these, you'll love my older article: How to Be a Proper Lady.

See you around!






11 comments :

  1. Loved reading this. Check out my SS17 trend report!

    Kisses xo | From Aliona With Love
    Instagram @alionawithlove
    YouTube @alionawithlove

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, you are so right and honest :) Your post makes me smile as I know what you recommend is working :)
    xx from Bavaria/Germany, Rena
    www.dressedwithsoul.com

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  3. It's so important to eat nutritious healthy snacks! Makes all the difference!
    xx
    Courtney // https://courtneylivin.com

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  4. I like how honest you are! Unfortunately, others might feel offended by it!
    http://theoraclejournal.net

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  5. This second degree is all that I needed.

    Diane
    http://petiteinparis.com/style-guide/5-style-bags

    ReplyDelete
  6. This post is so funny :D
    Great words!
    Kiss
    xx

    https://thathappymess.com/

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  7. For a second I was like, wait---what? but then I completely picked up on the sarcasm and from there this post was so funny! What's sad is that I've read articles that are not too different from this except they're completely legit...

    Julia // The Sunday Mode

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  8. Love this post, it was a good laugh!

    xo
    Phyllis
    http://desgeulasse.com/

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  9. This was a hilarious read, and a great way to address these perceptions created by the media with some humour! x

    Velvet Blush

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