Disclaimer: This post is going to be very, very long. Stop now while you still can.
Oh, you're not stopping? What a curious soul, you. Suit yourself.
I wanted to write because I needed a space, or a time, to vent about what I've been feeling lately. It's taking me a lot of the courage that I don't have to be writing about something so personal like this, but I just needed to be honest for a minute, and talk about what's been circling my mind over the past several weeks.
Let's be honest; passion is hard. Figuring out what you really want to do with your life is hard. Let me rephrase that: Figuring out what you really want to do with your life when you're a high school student with at least 20 different hobbies or interests and a lot of ambition but sometimes a severe lack of confidence, is hard.
The truth is that I've spent my whole life thinking I really really knew what I wanted to be and what I wanted to achieve. But then, at some point in the railroads that is high school, my train stopped. It stopped and simply... changed tracks. I thought I was ready to put my heart and soul into one dream. I thought I had a path lined up in front of me, perfectly in place, and it was just a matter of getting the train to move forward. So full of assurance, so confident in the direction in which I'm heading towards. But one day I just woke up, and realised how much I've been lying to myself.
I'll just give you the details here: Ever since I was little, I was exposed to a world where you could always feel free to express yourself in many forms. (Short explanation: It's because I was raised by a father who was both an artist and a musician.) That's when I started to develop a deep, deep love for art, and music, and all things alike. I've always loved to draw, ever since like, first grade. However, when I reached 4th grade, I started liking clothes. I was a 9-year-old girl, so of course I did. I drew clothes all the time, and soon enough I concluded that I wanted to be a fashion designer. That was it. My goal, my locked destination, my obvious dream.
I took sewing classes, illustration classes, everything. But what I never told people was how much I actually did not enjoy these classes. How much vanity I saw in the fashion world, how the industry just kind of scared me more than it encouraged me to pursue it.
Now, a year before graduating high school, I realised that I'd be a fool if I continued to pursue something I didn't actually like. I've always known, deep down, that fashion was not for me. I don't dress in high-end clothing, and I don't indulge in luxurious items. I don't find joy in looking at or purchasing branded fashion items, I actually find them useless! They're pretty, sure. But what's the big deal?
My life is surrounded by so many wonderful things that I'm still in love with. Music, art, travel, photography, and many other things that made me feel happy to be alive. If I were to pursue fashion, it would be like putting all of these things aside and focusing on an ambiguous dream that I didn't find the reason of.
The truth is I'd rather sit and watch a Broadway show rather than sit and watch 20 models walk up and down a runway in glittery outfits. I'd rather go to a wedding to take pictures of the small moments of happiness between the bride and groom through a camera lens, than go to a wedding because I made the dress she's wearing. I'd rather spend hours, and hours, and hours creating a wall mural that could inspire people, instead of spending hours and hours working on, say, a couture gown. This is what my heart tells me. That I thought I knew where I was going but I never truly did. That it's starting to look obvious, what I love and what I don't.
Some people validate this. A slight change of plans. Mistakes, trials and errors. As a perfectionist, I didn't. A part of me wants to punish myself for simply changing my mind. I had it all planned out, and then one day, I just didn't like it. I hated myself, like a voice whispering that I was already a failure, or that I was obviously going to fail.
What if my portfolio doesn't make it? What if I fail to find a job when I grow up? What if I end up as a disappointment to everyone? What if, what if, what if? It has become harder for me to actually believe in myself. I feel like a person with no direct path, no talent worth seeking, no voice worth of being heard. I'm exaggerating, I know. But guys, this is how a perfectionist overthinks. And I've had enough.
I may be a perfectionist, and I could have high hopes and standards for myself, but I need to remember that I'm human nonetheless. Right now, I'm pursuing a communication design major, which basically covers everything and nothing all at once. I don't know what my future job is going to be... yet. I could be a web designer, graphic designer, blogger, photographer, or I could even find my way to be an artist, or I could just be someone who works in public relations.
The pressure from my relatives certainly doesn't help. "What's a degree in design going to give you? What jobs are there for majors like yours? How are you going to make money?" And good Lord, honestly, I wish I had a passion for medicine, or biochemistry, or engineering. Really, I do. My friends are off to become doctors and nutritionists and here I am who simply can't share the same passion for those things. I just can't force myself to love something I obviously don't.
Speaking like this, honestly, scars my ego. It does. It takes away a portion of my pride because I thought that people could count on me for being so sure of myself and for knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. Some of my friends told me they looked up to me because I "already knew where I was going". But the truth is, I don't always know. And it worries me sometimes, but other times, it pushes me forward. I know where I'm heading for the time being, and I can only hope for the best. I'll continue to pursue things that make me happy, and I have to believe that my heart will continue to lead me into paths I didn't know existed.
Because now I understand that it's not humanly possible for me to control my life the way I want it 100%. I'm always going to know more in the future than I do now. Some things I can pursue ambitiously, but some things I can only mention in prayers.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." Psalm 56:3I'm limited and I'm human. My plans have changed and my life has managed to alter itself one way or another, and I need to learn to be okay with it. One of the things I could do now is pray. Pray to a God Who has promised to never leave me, nor forsake me. A God Who promises to sustain me no matter what happens. A God Who told me to not be afraid.
Therefore I no longer am.
I'll write again someday,