|I put this photo up because I might look slightly different than how you remembered me, given the fact that I haven't written in this blog in ages. But hey, change is okay, right?|
I've been thinking about a lot of things these past few days. It's 2016, and so many has changed. Many things have happened and evolved in ways I didn't expect them to, and it's only the beginning of February.
Now, life is starting to look more like a galaxy. An endless exterior, a Milky Way, a wide open space which boundaries are unseen. In it, I see rockets, comets, shooting stars, and all things alike. They go at lightning speed towards 18 different directions, all at once. And this life, much like the galaxy itself, engulfs you. It drowns you in wonder and curiosity, love and heartache, ambition and fear, or just the feeling of being lost. But that's enough rambling. I'm not here to write about galaxies.
What I am going to write about is what's been crossing my mind a lot lately: change.
A lot of people are afraid of change. I am one of those people.
I've found that this is mainly because change exposes you to a thousand "maybe"s that could take place afterwards. Now I've never experienced transferring schools or moving to new cities or anything like that, so maybe that explains why I've spent most of my life avoiding change. It's because I have such little experience with it.
When I go through life one day after another, it almost seems like nothing is out of the ordinary. But then, I look back beyond the stones I've stepped on, and I look at myself and think, "Where did I leave my old self behind?" I open myself up to new things, only to find my mind closing in on it all over again because of a lack in courage. The courage to embrace a life that's constantly never the same.
Why are our brains programmed that way? At what point in our lives did it start to announce: "Fear change. Live the same."? Why is it that when a person says the words "you've changed", it's automatically perceived or meant as something negative? Like we lost a part of ourselves that we can never regain? What if you lost a part of yourself because you replaced it with something better?
After a series of events, I've come to the conclusion that I should accept and embrace whatever that has happened. Shifts in directions, second thoughts, a self that's no longer the same. I will allow myself to be afraid, then I'll allow myself to be brave. I'll allow myself to fall, then I'll allow myself to bruise. I'll allow myself to be certain, then I'll allow myself to change my mind. Change mustn't overcome me. Instead, it must empower me.
I am a different person than I was 365 days ago. I've been hurt and healed, I gained then lost, I suffered and rejoiced. I cut my hair short, and didn't care. I met new people, and lost touch with a few as well. I thought relationships were useless, now I see it differently. I thought I was going to pursue fashion, now I think there's more to life than just making clothes. I thought my grades should matter most to me, now I laugh at that chemistry test nobody liked or succeeded at. I never dared to speak my mind, but now I'm a brutally honest person who chooses to stay true to those around me, and to myself.
A plant changes when it grows. Therefore so must I.
I'll write again someday.
Side note: I'm sorry if you found this confusing. I just needed to let this out for a minute and reflect on it for a while (and also because I need to post twice a month now for my English class, haha). I hope this made sense to you. If it didn't, I hope that changes someday.