I figured that I don't write that much on my blog about my own personal thoughts for something that's called "Thoughts in Tiffany Blue". I think it's because I know now that a lot of things can go wrong when you're being completely honest, and having this very open place to vent to is something I'm not entirely familiar with. But then I realised that my blog is made for many things, and it being a safe space for me to open up about my thoughts is one of those things.
So the thing is, I think I talk too much. I say too much. I think too much. There are a lot of "too much"s when it comes to my life, but in particular, lately, I think I talk too much.
They say that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. I don't know why, but lately, all I've been doing is the exact opposite. Okay, I don't talk trash, or diss other people behind their backs, but I've felt that my behaviour and speech make other people feel inconvenient with my presence.
I'm not saying I've turned into a bad person. I'm not saying my friends hate me. I'm saying there's a difference between someone who cares about you, and someone who simply tolerates you.
Previously in my life, I've never been the type of person to talk so much. I talk a lot to people I'm close with, or I talk to my relatives pretty well, but other than that, I never speak my mind. I never could get around to actually being completely honest in front of everyone. As I entered high school, I slowly started to gain the courage to do so. I became very honest with everyone and with myself. I opened up a little bit more, and let loose a lot more than before (and I think this my friends can see too.)
Little did I know that the thing about honesty that people don't always tell you is the effect of the brutality that comes with truthfulness. I speak up when it's actually not a very nice thing to say. I talk a lot even when it's not that important. I offend people without even knowing it. I say and don't think.
I try to conceal whatever guilt or shame I have about this drastic change in myself with laughter and sarcastic remarks, but hiding it can only do so much. It's painful to think that maybe your friends don't like you so much because of this, but it's a lot more painful once you realize how you think of yourself as a horrible friend, which you kind of believe you are.
Scan through my social media and you'll see quotes on living a good life, positivity, and happiness, but how come none of it actually applies to my actual life outside the digital cloud? What does that make me? A hypocrite. That's what it makes me.
I don't find this inspiring, but I also don't find 80% of the stuff I say inspiring at all.
I've come to a conclusion that I must take action upon it. I have made a decision to directly cut back on what I say. To hold my tongue before it proceeds to get to anything I'm going to regret. I can carry a notepad, I can carry a pen, a whiteboard, anything to stop me from being like this.
A lot of you might think that this is because I don't like how I am. No, I love myself. I respect myself. It's just that when you love yourself, there are also parts of yourself that you couldn't love, no matter how hard you try.
I wish I could enjoy being brutally honest. I wish I could enjoy not caring about what other people think. But that's not who I am. I don't want to offend or hurt people anymore. I don't want to be the egotistical girl on the lunch table anymore. I don't want to see my friends force a smile when I talk because it's clear that they don't think I'm all that.
That's probably why I have no one I call a shelter. That's probably why no one offers a hand. It's because talking too much kind of creates the illusion that you're doing perfectly fine on your own.
So I can speak my mind when I want to. But I think, that's enough talking for a while.